Life is good here at the CowChows. In fact, it’s very good. We’ve been conducting a test this summer with an experimental device that is showing such excellent results that we’re thinking of applying for a patent. It’s such an ingenious device that we didn’t even think of it. In fact, we didn’t even realize it was the source of our good fortune until very recently. Here’s the deal…
You may recall that several weeks ago I had a close encounter with the law of gravity due to a hornets nest under the eave of the house. Following that encounter we decided to give peaceful coexistence a try when it came to the hornets. We left them alone and, thankfully, they have left us alone. We had pretty much forgotten the nest was even there until a couple of weeks ago when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find three of the neighborhood children. They were all aflutter because we had a hornets nest on our house. I explained the concept of peaceful coexistence to them. They said I was crazy and should call their daddy to come get it down, and they left.
Here’s the thing: they haven’t been back. We’ve also noticed a marked decline in the number of drop-in guests, salvation sellers, and solicitors of all kinds this summer. It’s an amazing thing, and the nest is on the side of the house. Just imagine how quiet it would be around here had they built their nest right over the front door.
So, assuming someone hasn’t already patented it we will soon be offering under the CowChows brand the “STINGER – Personal Privacy, Safety and Solicitor Deterrent System.” It will look just like a hornets nest. Just peel the paper off the self-adhesive bottom, stick it to the ceiling of your porch or under the eave of your house, and then sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet.
We’re also working on a deluxe model that integrates a motion detector and the sounds of angry hornets. We just can’t decide who’s going to record the soundtrack. Any volunteers?
I was outside earlier slinging paint on the front porch of the CowChows when I got a pleasant surprise. You know how the aroma of fresh paint seems to attract every bug for miles around; well I heard a buzz and looked down to find a honeybee had landed on the handle of my paintbrush. I raised the brush to get a better look and saw that he had a tiny bundle wrapped in a tiny red handkerchief tied to the end of a tiny stick that was propped over his shoulder. I said, “Hey, you’re a honeybee.”
“So what,” he said.
“I haven’t seen any of you guys around for a couple of years,” I said. “Where you been?”
“It’s not where we’ve been,” he said. “It’s where we’re going.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“We’ve just had enough, is all. You work hard all day long, try to do the right thing, fulfill your obligations to the hive, and the harder you work the more they take. Eventually, you start to feel like nothing but a drone. There’s still plenty of bees around but they’re the fatcats and the layabouts that never leave the hive. Most of the worker-bees are gone. I’m one of the last to leave.”
“But, what about the others, the ones left behind?” I asked.
“Hey, we talked until we were buzzed out. All the fatcats want to do is strut around making rules and giving orders, and all the layabouts do is sit on their stingers and say, ‘That’s not my job.’ Hopefully, they’ll wake up before it’s too late.”
“But, what about making honey?” I asked.
“Everything it takes to make honey is still here,” he said. Make it yourself, or get the bees to go to work.”
“How do we do that? I asked.”
He shrugged and said, “Do a little jig, they’ll like that. Hey, you missed a spot.”
I turned to look where he was pointing and when I looked back, he was gone. “Wait,” I called, “Where are you going?”
A tiny little voice from high and away came back to me, “Yeah right, like I’m going to tell you.”
There’s been a lot of talk in the news recently about this Swine Flu, or H1N1 virus. They say they’re expecting it to get worse this Winter and we should all be taking precautions. I was reminded of this earlier when I was in the store and saw this big jug of hand sanitizer. You’ve probably seen it; it looks like clear runny Jell-O. I figured it couldn’t hurt to be prepared so I asked the guy to bring a forklift and load me up a jug.
I went on about my shopping but every time I reached for something I couldn’t help but wonder how many other hands had already touched that can or that box or that banana. By the time I was done I was more than a little obsessed with thoughts of having touched things that were touched by other hands that had touched other things that had been touched by yet other hands.
When I got out to the truck with my load of goods and groceries the first thing I did was break open my new jug of hand sanitizer. I slathered it all over my hands and then leaned back in the seat to take a deep breath. After a bit I was ready to go, but as my hand touched the ignition key I realized I had touched that key before sanitizing my hands. So, I went back to the jug and this time I sanitized the key as well as my hands.
But then, I looked around. I had also touched the steering wheel, and the door handle, and the center console, and the climate controls, and who knows what was on my hands in the past when I didn’t have hand sanitizer? I’m a little fuzzy on the details but the next thing I knew, I and the inside of my truck looked like we’d been attacked by the Blob. There was clear runny Jell-O everywhere, but I was pretty sure it was safe.
Unfortunately, I had used up nearly all of my jug of hand sanitizer; which meant I was going to have to go back into the store for more; which meant I was going to have to…….touch stuff……..ohhh no.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Radical Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. So this July 4th at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All Patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Radical Muslims and to demonstrate their support for all American women. Since the Islam religion also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Radical Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this Patriotic activity.
What is President Obama thinking? First he goes around bowing to foreign Kings, apologizing to the world for percieved discourtesies, offering olive branches in exchange for billy clubs, and now after all this kowtowing he turns around and commits cold blooded murder, on camera!
In case you haven’t yet seen it President Obama was caught on camera, with malice and aforethought, slapping the life out of the Whitehouse fly. To make matters worse he was encouraged and congratulated by the CNBC News reporter on camera with him, as well as several off camera observers. What is this world coming to?
As with all things political the consequences of Mr. Obama’s actions have begun to come to light. The D.C. law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe is in the process of contacting the widows and orphans of the newly deceased insect. The Whitehouse fly, or Whitey as he was affectionately known, was known to be of a promiscuous nature and the number of his dependents is expected to be in the thousands. A civil action suit including the President, the Federal government, and CNBC News is expected to be filed within the next couple of weeks. The D.C. Police Department has not yet responded to our enquiries so the possibility of criminal charges still exists.
On a broader scale the International Housefly Consortium is said to be taking a retaliatory stance on the matter. While it has long been rumored that the IHC has secretly been collecting tiny amounts of enriched uranium, it is now suspected the group has conglomerated enough of the radioactive material to pose a serious threat. Intelligence chatter between the IHC and North Korea has picked up considerably in recent days. We contacted a spokesfly for the IHC and although we can’t be absolutely certain because they are very difficult to understand we think he said, “Although we have no religion to base our actions upon, we are convinced that God is on our side.”
Reports, opinions and suspicions continue to swarm as this story develops and people around the world react to the news. As one worried person in Baghdad put it, “It makes you wonder what kind of person he really is. Perhaps the fly was only reaching out in friendship, and what did he get? SMAK!!”
After all his efforts to convince the nations of the world that he is a man of peace; after all the rhetoric of new beginnings, change, and worldwide brotherhood, in one swift movement we find ourselves on the very brink of inter-species war. What happens now Mr. President? Will you negotiate? Will you retreat? Or, will you at last stand up and declare to the world that America is a no fly zone?
Satirically yours,
Tim Couch
What is President Obama thinking? First he goes around bowing to foreign Kings, apologizing to the world for perceived discourtesies, offering olive branches in exchange for billy clubs, and now after all this kowtowing he turns around and commits cold blooded murder, on camera!
In case you haven’t yet seen it President Obama was caught on camera, with malice and aforethought, slapping the life out of the Whitehouse fly. To make matters worse he was encouraged and congratulated by the CNBC News reporter on camera with him, as well as several off camera observers. What is this world coming to?
As with all things political the consequences of Mr. Obama’s actions have begun to come to light. The D.C. law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe is in the process of contacting the widows and orphans of the newly deceased insect. The Whitehouse fly, or Whitey as he was affectionately known, was known to be of a promiscuous nature and the number of his dependents is expected to be in the thousands. A civil action suit including the President, the Federal government, and CNBC News is expected to be filed within the next couple of weeks. The D.C. Police Department has not yet responded to our enquiries so the possibility of criminal charges still exists.
On a broader scale the International Housefly Consortium is said to be taking a retaliatory stance on the matter. While it has long been rumored that the IHC has secretly been collecting tiny amounts of enriched uranium, it is now suspected the group has conglomerated enough of the radioactive material to pose a serious threat. Intelligence chatter between the IHC and North Korea has picked up considerably in recent days. We contacted a spokesfly for the IHC and although we can’t be absolutely certain because they are very difficult to understand we think he said, “Although we have no religion to base our actions upon, we are convinced that God is on our side.”
Reports, opinions and suspicions continue to swarm as this story develops and people around the world react to the news. As one worried person in Baghdad put it, “It makes you wonder what kind of person he really is. Perhaps the fly was only reaching out in friendship, and what did he get? SMAK!!”
After all his efforts to convince the nations of the world that he is a man of peace; after all the rhetoric of new beginnings, change, and worldwide brotherhood, in one swift movement we find ourselves on the very brink of inter-species war. What happens now Mr. President? Will you negotiate? Will you retreat? Or, will you at last stand up and declare to the world that America is a no fly zone?
