StraightUpAmerican.com

Here at the CowChows we take nothing at face value. We do our own research and experiments until we’re satisfied that every stone has been turned. So, when I heard the story about the frog I had to see it for myself.

The story goes that if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out to save its life. However, if you place a frog into a pot of cool water and then slowly raise the temperature of the water the frog will stay in the pot and die.

So, I got me a frog, and a pot, and some water. I brought the water to a boil and dropped the frog in, and sure enough that little sucker came out of there like he’d been shot out of a little frog-cannon.

Next, after finally catching the frog, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog in it. Then, I slowly turned up the heat under the pot. The frog continued to swim around in the pot even as the water grew hotter and hotter. I waited long enough to satisfy the experiment but not long enough for the frog to die because that would be cruel, and frogs aren’t easy to find in February.

Next, I placed a copy of the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and Mark Levin’s “Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto”
into the pot with the frog. After a couple of days I again slowly increased the heat under the pot, and once again the frog just swam around until he was almost frog soup.

So one more time, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog inside. I set the television to the Fox News channel and tuned in talk radio. After a couple of days I returned and once more turned up the heat. The water grew warmer and warmer, and I could see that the frog was increasingly uncomfortable but yet he continued to swim. Then, just as steam began to rise from the pot the frog swam over to the side, climbed up onto the rim, and hopped down onto the counter-top. He turned, looked up at me and slowly shook his head from side to side. He hopped over to the knob on the stove-top and turned the burner under the pot off. He raised one little wet frog-finger and with it he drew a coiled rattlesnake in the condensate moisture, and below the snake he wrote, “Don’t Tread On Me.” And then, he hopped back into the pot. Thus, proving conclusively once and for all that frogs don’t read.

Who is Obama's new Golf Czar?

President Obama has now appointed a Golf Czar. The identity of the newly appointed czar is still unknown but announcements were just made of major rule changes to the game of golf. These changes are expected to become effective March 2010 and may be retroactive in southern States. This is only a preview as new rules, regulations and legislation are still being finalized. Here are a few basic changes:

Golfers handicaps:

• Below 10 – greens fees will be increased by 35%
• Between 11 and 18 – no increase in greens fees
• Above 18 – player will receive a $25 check for each round of 18 holes.

Dollar amounts placed in bets will be as follows:

• For handicaps below 10, an additional $10 will be assessed
• For handicaps between 11 and 18, no additional amount
• For handicaps above 18, players will receive the total amount in the pot even if they do not play.

The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

• For handicaps below 10, no entitlements
• For handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
• For handicaps above 18, if the ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability.

Obama – Hope and Change – You asked for it

Not sure who wrote this but it’s just too funny not to pass along.

• My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
• His food is prepared for him.
• He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
• His meals are provided at no cost to him.
• He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
• For this, he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
• He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs.
• He is not required to do any upkeep on the house.
• If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
• He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
• He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
• He lives like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
• All of his costs are paid by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy S#!t, my dog’s a Democrat!

Uncle Sam Wants Everything!

It’s always nice to receive good news, and the government seems to be full of it these days. We received word just this morning that according to the Department of Labor there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year. This was really good news.

In fact, I was so relieved and elated by this news that I called up my health insurance company and explained to Betty that the forty percent increase in my premiums must have been a mistake because the Department of Labor said so. Betty is a very jolly lady and I’m pretty sure she is still laughing.

I was sure, though, that this declaration by the Department of Labor would carry some weight so I called the number for the company that delivers our propane. They recently filled the tank and I was certain they would want to know about this Comsumer Price Index thing and how it was not to cost any more to live this year than last. Paul was not so amused.

Still, I wanted to share our good fortune so I called up a friend of mine and said, “Tom, guess what, there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year! Isn’t that great news?”

And Tom, he likes numbers, he said, “Well let’s see, there’s over four million more people out of work than there was at this time last year. So, if you got nothing to live on and the cost of living is going to be the same then, well, at least you can budget for it. So yeah, I guess that is really good news.” Tom’s kind of sarcastic like that.

Still, I knew there had to be someone who would appreciate hearing this news. So, I called up my Congressman, and I said, “Hey Honorable, did you hear that there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year?”

And he said, “I say, I say, I say, that’s right boy! I worked hard this past year to keep down the rise in the cost of living. It was a constant and exhausting battle against overwhelming odds, but I fought with all my might and in the end the cost of living did not rise. I did it for the people. No need to thank me. You’re welcome. Don’t forget to vote. Are you registered?”

Finally, someone who truly appreciated the good news.

Oh-noo! Mr. Bill!

Life at the CowChows is a little stinky lately. You may not know this about me but I have a quirk, or two. One of my quirks is that I’m a bit of a germ-o-phobe. I’m not quite ready to don a surgical mask and gloves in public, but only because I can’t decide whether they should match my socks or my belt. But, being in the midst of cold and flu season I am always on the lookout for anything that might keep me and the Ladybug healthy. So naturally, the onion cure caught my interest.

Apparently, there are several supposedly true stories to support this. You cut onions in two and place the halves in bowls and place the bowls throughout your house. Somehow the onion absorbs the bacteria that cause cold, flu and other viruses. The onion will turn black as it absorbs these germs and then you just throw it away and slice another onion. One story describes placing a slice of onion on the bottom of each foot, covered with a new, white cotton sock. You do this at bedtime and in the morning your fever will be gone. I’m not sure why the socks have to be new, or white, or cotton, but if it works I’m not going to quibble.

So, as you can imagine the CowChows is pretty aromatic these days but then I got to thinking. If onions in the house protect me from germs in the house then wouldn’t it make sense to be protected outside the house, as well? Why wait until I bring the germs home to expose them to the cure? So, I went out and bought twenty pounds of onions and a big bag of new white cotton socks. I have to warn you, though, the onion slices are a little uncomfortable to walk on until you get them all squished up, but the extra arch support is kind of nice.

Then, I got to thinking about how far the germs have to travel to get to the onions. They enter through the nose or mouth and have to go all the way to the feet to get out. So, I thought I would give them a shortcut and I put onions in my pockets. Apparently, the cure is working because I haven’t been sick since I started using it and after a while you don’t really notice the smell so much. Plus, Ladybug says when I perspire I smell like a cheeseburger and who doesn’t like a big old juicy cheeseburger?

Yours in good health,

Tim Couch