StraightUpAmerican.com

Here at the CowChows we take nothing at face value. We do our own research and experiments until we’re satisfied that every stone has been turned. So, when I heard the story about the frog I had to see it for myself.

The story goes that if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out to save its life. However, if you place a frog into a pot of cool water and then slowly raise the temperature of the water the frog will stay in the pot and die.

So, I got me a frog, and a pot, and some water. I brought the water to a boil and dropped the frog in, and sure enough that little sucker came out of there like he’d been shot out of a little frog-cannon.

Next, after finally catching the frog, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog in it. Then, I slowly turned up the heat under the pot. The frog continued to swim around in the pot even as the water grew hotter and hotter. I waited long enough to satisfy the experiment but not long enough for the frog to die because that would be cruel, and frogs aren’t easy to find in February.

Next, I placed a copy of the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and Mark Levin’s “Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto”
into the pot with the frog. After a couple of days I again slowly increased the heat under the pot, and once again the frog just swam around until he was almost frog soup.

So one more time, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog inside. I set the television to the Fox News channel and tuned in talk radio. After a couple of days I returned and once more turned up the heat. The water grew warmer and warmer, and I could see that the frog was increasingly uncomfortable but yet he continued to swim. Then, just as steam began to rise from the pot the frog swam over to the side, climbed up onto the rim, and hopped down onto the counter-top. He turned, looked up at me and slowly shook his head from side to side. He hopped over to the knob on the stove-top and turned the burner under the pot off. He raised one little wet frog-finger and with it he drew a coiled rattlesnake in the condensate moisture, and below the snake he wrote, “Don’t Tread On Me.” And then, he hopped back into the pot. Thus, proving conclusively once and for all that frogs don’t read.

Who is Obama's new Golf Czar?

President Obama has now appointed a Golf Czar. The identity of the newly appointed czar is still unknown but announcements were just made of major rule changes to the game of golf. These changes are expected to become effective March 2010 and may be retroactive in southern States. This is only a preview as new rules, regulations and legislation are still being finalized. Here are a few basic changes:

Golfers handicaps:

• Below 10 – greens fees will be increased by 35%
• Between 11 and 18 – no increase in greens fees
• Above 18 – player will receive a $25 check for each round of 18 holes.

Dollar amounts placed in bets will be as follows:

• For handicaps below 10, an additional $10 will be assessed
• For handicaps between 11 and 18, no additional amount
• For handicaps above 18, players will receive the total amount in the pot even if they do not play.

The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

• For handicaps below 10, no entitlements
• For handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
• For handicaps above 18, if the ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability.

Obama – Hope and Change – You asked for it

Pudgy Granpa Valentine Bear

I know as men we don’t tend to get as caught-up in Valentine’s Day as our more sentimental counterparts do, but I gotta tell you I am having just the most perfect Valentine’s Day ever.

It all started several days ago when I began to take notice of all the Valentine’s Day advertising. First, I was told that only diamonds really say, “I love you.” I thought about getting Barbara Gayle a big old diamond, but knowing her as I do she would rather I got her a briquette of coal with a card saying, “Squeeze me tight for a very long time.”

Then I heard about this teddy bear from Vermont that I could personalize just for her. I checked it out and they had the Love Bandit Bear, and the Lover Boy Bear, and the Huggable Hunk Bear, but none seemed just right. So, I thought I would design the perfect bear for her. I was going to call it the Pudgy Grampa Bear, but it turned out looking more like the Road-Kill Bear. So I scrapped that idea, too.

Then I thought I’d write her a love poem. It was actually going pretty good until I got to the part that said, “Our love is an endless and perfect circle.” The only word I could find to rhyme with circle was hurkle. I tried and tried but once you use a word that means, “to cower with pain or cold,” in a love poem things kind of fall apart from there on.

Finally I thought, rather than show up empty handed, I would get her some flowers. This is not as easy as you might think on February 14. I stopped at several places but all the flowers that said, “I Love You!” were gone and the only ones left said, “I know I’m old and wrinkly and near dead, but please take pity on me because I tried.” Not really the message I wanted to send.

So, I walked in the door with nothing in hand. Since at the very least I wanted to say it first, I blurted out, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

And, my beautiful wife turned to me, stared at me for a long second, and then said, “Oh, that’s right. It is Valentine’s Day. Dinner’s almost ready why don’t you go wash up.”

I have to admit. It brought a little tear to my eye.

Wishing you a most perfect Valentine’s Day ever, as well.

Cordially yours,

Tim Couch

I experienced time travel today.

When we woke this morning the CowChows lay under a seven inch thick blanket of new snow. It was early; my neighbors had not yet ventured out and so the snow blanket lay pure and undisturbed. All was quiet; save the distant rush of the river and occasional birdsong it was as if the entire world still slept. As I stood at the window sipping fresh hot coffee, tendrils of smoke climbed from neighboring chimneys and curled skyward. And I thought, “What the hell am I doing up this early?” And, I went back to bed.

Some time later I was awakened by the sound of an angry hornet. I peered out through the frosted window pane and saw my neighbor whizzing down the road on his four-wheeler. Behind the noisy contraption and attached by a length of rope was a plastic toboggan with two happily screaming kids onboard. My first thought was, “Wow, a spill at that speed could hurt those kids pretty bad.”

My next thought was, “Man, that looks like fun.”

I was only going down to watch, I swear. But when I got down there and saw their beaming smiles and wind stung cheeks, when I heard their joyful screams and laughter, and as I stood there on the hillside with the other kids waiting their turn I couldn’t help but feel a thrill. Of course, I would have been perfectly happy to share in their fun vicariously, but when the little blond haired girl from next door turned to me and sweetly asked, “Would you like a ride,” well, what could I say?

Three small children took each arm and assisted me in lowering myself onto the toboggan. With animated chatter they instructed me to keep my feet inside, hang on tight, don’t fall off, and one taunting little voice said, “Don’t pee your pants like Jeffrey did.”

Finally I was ready. I squared myself on the toboggan, gripped the sides, and just as I was giving the nod to go I heard a voice from up the hill and behind me, “TIMOTHY LYNN COUCH!!”

I turned; my neighbor gunned the engine; the toboggan jumped out from under me, and I went sprawling in the snow. Suddenly, I was ten years old again; I’d just been caught in red-handed mischief, and all the other kids were laughing at me. As I lumbered up the hill rubbing my butt a sing-song voice whispered, “Timmy got in trouble.”

Time travel, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Frigidly yours,

Tim Couch